What's In... Cool Whip?

Real food comes from the earth - either from the dirt or from an animal.  Real food has a life cycle - it is born out of a seed, grows big and then eventually withers and dies.  Real food is living and when eaten by humans, helps humans to live also.  And then there's Cool Whip... 

Let me take my train of thought back to the last station.  As you know (or maybe not), I'm originally from the Florida Keys, land of the famous and oft faked key lime.  

To set the record straight - KEY LIMES DO NOT MAKE GREEN PIES (unless they are mixed with avocado.  Scroll to the bottom to see the recipe). If you order a slice of key lime pie at a restaurant and it arrives at your table in any shade of green, know that it has most likely been artificially colored.  If the slice of lime garnishing the plate is green and larger than a quarter, know that it is not a key lime.  Key limes are little and yellow and magical. 

Where am I going with this?  Well, one of the classic recipes for making key lime pie is simple, tart and heavy on the Cool Whip:

Mix the following ingredients:
1 16oz tub of Cool Whip
1/3 c key lime juice
1 can sweetened condensed milk

Pour mixture into graham cracker crust and freeze.  BOOM.

Now that I'm living back in hot and humid Florida, nothing sounds better to me than an ice cold slice of tangy key lime pie.  I'm headed down to my parents' house this weekend where I plan to pick up some fresh key lime juice to make myself a big ol' pie.  BUT, I need to find a new recipe because I don't want to make it with Cool Whip.  Here's why:

Let's start with the ingredient list for Kraft brand Cool Whip:

Water: No argument here.

Corn Syrup:  Corn syrup is derived from corn kernels that embarked on a long string of factory processes including a few baths in hydrochloric acid.  If you'd like the detailed step-by-step, check out madehow.com.

Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (Coconut and Palm Kernel Oils): Hydrogenation is a high tech process. Vegetable seeds are cleaned and bleached to remove all colour, taste, smells and impurities. The liquid vegetable oil is then heated to high temperatures and a catalyst (commonly nickel, but could be palladium, platinum or rhodium) is added. Hydrogen is bubbled through the liquid. The mixture is then filtered to remove the metal, leaving hydrogenated vegetable oil.  The hydrogenation process changes the nature of some of the fats into a form that is not easily recognised by the body (trans fatty acids). We just do not know the long term effect of our constant exposure to these fats, although evidence is beginning to appear linking them to many degenerative diseases. ~Health and Goodness

High Fructose Corn Syrup:  Start with plain corn syrup (see above) and turn some of its glucose molecules into fructose molecules by exposing the syrup to yet another enzyme, again produced by bacteria. This enzyme converts the glucose to a mixture of about 42 percent fructose and 53 percent glucose, with some other sugars as well. ~ Diabetes Health

Sodium Caseinate (from Milk): Sodium caseinate is the biochemical name for casein, which is a type of protein found in the milk from all mammals. Casein, which is Latin for "cheese," is a major component of commercial cheese and its principle source of protein. Casein is also used as a food additive and for industrial purposes. Some people are allergic to sodium caseinate, and it has been linked to some human diseases, mainly autism and gastrointestinal problems. Consult with an allergy specialist if you suspect an allergy or intolerance to any casein-based product. ~Live Strong

Natural and Artificial Flavor: Well, since we don't know what they are, I'll just say EAT AT OWN RISK.

Xanthan and Guar Gums:  Despite its rather alien-sounding name, xanthan gum is as natural as any other fermented corn sugar polysaccharide. The name is derived from the strain of bacteria used during the fermentation process, Xanthomonas campestris. This is the same bacteria responsible for causing black rot to form on broccoli, cauliflower and other leafy vegetables. The bacteria form a slimy substance which acts as a natural stabilizer or thickener. It was developed when the United States Department of Agriculture ran a number of experiments involving bacteria and various sugars to develop a new thickening agent similar to corn starch or guar gum. ~ Wise Geek

Polysorbate 60: Polysorbates are a group of emulsifiers used in food preparation and pharmaceuticals. In cosmetics, polysorbates are used to solubilize essential oils into products with a water base. Derived from sorbitan and esterified with fatty acids, polysorbates are oily liquids. The number 60 following polysorbate refers to the fatty acid chemically associated with the polyoxyethylene sorbitan component of the molecule, in this case monostearate. ~ eHow

Sorbitan Monostearate: Sorbitan monostearate is an ester of sorbitol and stearic acid.The sorbitol end of the molecule is very soluble in water. The stearic acid end is soluble in fats. These properties make the molecule very good at making emulsions of oil and water.  It is sometimes known as a synthetic wax. ~ SciToys

Beta Carotene (Color): Is naturally derived from carrots and other vegetables and is processed as Vitamin A when digested.

Let's recap: That blue tub of creamy whipped fun is actually a scientific wonder of ingredients your body probably should never EVER be exposed to.  And let me stop for a minute and note that in my research, the term, "exposed to" was used quite frequently when describing the ingredients as they journeyed through various vats of boiling this and that.  Should we be eating foods that have been "exposed to" trauma before we force our own digestive tracks to do the same?  Sure, Cool Whip is sweet and delicious, but at what cost to our long-term health are we eating it?     

If the thought of eating Sorbitan Monstearate (a/k/a synthetic wax) doesn't creep you out, take a look at the Horrifying 12-Day Cool Whip Experiment conducted by Jonathan Fields.  After sitting on his kitchen table for 12 straight days, a bowl of Cool Whip did nothing but harden into a plastic-like shell.  REAL FOOD DOESN'T DO THAT.

In my quest to find a key lime pie recipe that only uses real ingredients, I came across this one from The Bee's Knees Kitchen:

Key Lime Pie

Macadamia Nut Crust:

• 1 1/4 c Macadamia Nuts
• 1/4 c Cashews
• 2 tbls Coconut Oil, melted
• 2 tbls Agave Nectar
• Pinch of Celtic Sea Salt

To make crust, process the macadamia nuts or cashews in the food processor until they form a fine meal. Add the coconut oil and salt and continue until the nuts form a wall on the side of the food processor. Empty into a pie pan and firmly press crust into place and place in the freezer while you prepare the Key Lime Filling.

Key Lime Filling:

• 4 Avocado, cut into small cubes
• 1/2 c Lime juice
• 1/2 c Agave Nectar
• 1/2 c Coconut Oil, melted
• 1 tbls Lime zest

To make the filling, add all the ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth and fluid. Avocado can turn brown quicker if you over blend so be sure to blend just enough till smooth. Pour into the Macadamia Nut Crust and freeze about 1-2 hours or place in the fridge overnight to set. To serve top with a little shredded coconut.
Makes 1 9″ Pie

The thought of mixing avocado in may be a showstopper for some, but I'm game for trying it.  I'm headed to the Keys this weekend to find me some juice and I'll report back after I attempt this pie.  Wish me luck!